CHARLOTTESVILLE, VIRGINIA – It’s a balmy Saturday, typical for the residents of Charlottesville, Virginia. What was a normal August day turned into a parade of madness when hundreds of bored, white college students who had zero chance of getting laid this weekend descended upon the city.
Armed with Tiki Torches purchased 2-for-1 from a local A.C. Moore, these blue-balled sophomoric caucasians demanded to be heard. One unnamed protestor told us:
I feel we need better representation. I haven’t gotten my dick wet since two summers ago in my all-male bible camp.
The group of protesters, all men, packing semi-erect but otherwise unimpressive bones concealed within tan Wrangler carpenter shorts, started marching late Friday night, but by Saturday, the group became increasingly violent. During the event, the pasty white mob continuously cried out chants such as “Where’s the clitoris, my ex didn’t show me, I’ve been texting you for an hour, when you gonna blow me?” and “It’s not my first time, I’ve done this before, no I’m not nervous, don’t laugh at me whore!”
Professor Duncan Fitz, who teaches behavior sciences at multiple colleges in Charlottesville, explains that these men are unknowingly sabotaging themselves.
They are scared little boys. Their female peers are starting to learn that they don’t need to be pressured into what’s referred to as “pity sex” and can pursue more attractive, confident, and better endowed partners.
President Donald Trump spoke out against the violence today, but being a blue-balled douchebag himself, refused to take an actual side.
